I rang in the start of April with nausea-somnia, a (not) fun thing that happens to me thanks to gastroparesis and intestinal dysmotility. Here's what I was thinking about last night while I wasn't sleeping:

• I finished my book and now I don't know what to do.
• Each year we're all, "oh good riddance 2019", or whatever, "you were a trash year." But then the next year ends up somehow being worse? On repeat. Forever. Except it's with months now. Or even days? Idk.
• If I’m going to be awake I might as well get up and do my water flush but there’s no getting up without making noise now thanks to the IV pole holding my feeding pump and bag—and Robbie is sleeping. Also the dog is cuddling me and I like that. (Author's note: a water flush means I need to syringe water through my J tube. I have to do this several times a day to make sure it doesn't get clogged.)
• I miss lying flat. (Author's note: I sleep with a wedge in order to be elevated enough I don't get extra nauseated from feeding at night.)
• I miss sleeping on my side.
• I miss baths.
• I miss the luxury of being able to get up to pee in the middle of the night without having it be a whole thing.
• I miss when I could sit up using just my abs and not have to do this thing where I turn on my side and push myself up with my arms.
• It’s a shame the book I want to read next is a physical book (instead of on my Kindle) since turning on a light right now to read would be rude AF and I don't want to disturb Robbie's sleep.
• Do you think the light of the feeding pump display might be bright enough for me to read with? Whatever. Fuck my vision. Everything else is fucked.
• I can’t reach the book so never mind.
• I wonder what I’d be dreaming about if I were sleeping.
• The pump is going to beep in 3.5 hours and it’s going to suck.
• It seems unfair that I’m still healing but can’t sleep.
• I wonder how much gel manicure supplies cost. I wonder if I’d be able to do a decent job.
• Shit, I should see who subscribed to my newsletter and make sure I have double opt-in on. Maybe even send a newsletter.
• I wonder if any of the insurance claims from my surgery and hospital stay have settled.
• Should I order flowers? It would be nice to have fresh flowers and support a local business.
• OK a small arrangement is $50. Which is whatever but I’ve had 2 weeks unpaid—which is a lot—and also my enteral supplies may be $600 a month. So maybe no to the flowers then.
• I want a new houseplant.
• How weird that my body is eating even though it’s night time. How weird that feeding 24 hours a day means I eat in my sleep.
• Parker and Robbie are snoring and it's bullshit I'm not sleeping.
• OK Parker's snores are cute.
• Instagram is boring.
• Twitter is boring.
• 🤷🏻🤷🏻🤷🏻

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