I get it. It can be hard to know what to say to your chronically ill and disabled friends sometimes. I imagine this has to do with the overwhelming discomfort of thinking about how it’s possible to be very sick and never recover—and also that the scripts we have around illness are generally for acute illness. 

Also, there are a lot of things I’m tired of hearing. And this tiredness isn’t simply because it happens a lot—though it does—but because a lot of well-meaning common things people say to me and other chronically ill folks are micro-aggressions. 

They hurt. They force me to choose between using the energy to educate someone on why what they’ve just said is harmful (risking having to then deal with defensiveness and everything that comes with that), or choosing to take the hit, to sacrifice myself for their comfort. 

The following list isn’t a complete list. It’s also by no means representative of the feelings of all chronically ill people. We are not a monolith. Even so, avoiding these things is probably safer than not in terms of the potential to cause harm.

1. “Get well soon”

Why it sucks

It denies my existence because I won’t get well soon. Chronic illness is incurable; it’s not going anywhere. When you tell me to get well soon, I hear a meaningless platitude that prioritizes your comfort. 

Instead try

‍“Thinking of you” or a heart emoji. 

2. “Are you feeling better?”

Why it sucks

The question relies on your definition of “better” and it limits me to a binary response. Few things are truly binary, including the scale of severity of chronic illness symptoms. Some days one symptom isn't as severe, but another is far more prominent.

I’ll never be symptom-free. My symptoms flare and fluctuate. When you ask me if I’m feeling better, it feels like you want a tidy response, which I can't give you honestly. It feels like you're ignoring my reality for your own comfort.

Instead try

“How are you feeling?” An open-ended question allows me to answer more honestly. Be ready for an honest answer—and hold space for your friends to not be ok. Also, not all chronically ill people like to explain how they feel all of the time. It can be exhausting. Ask your friends what works for them.

3. “This isn’t the same at all, but…”

Why it sucks

If it’s not at all the same then why are you bringing it up? Relating something minor that happens to your healthy body to a disabling symptom that happens to mine only centers yourself and minimizes the severity of my illness.

I feel like we’re taught that relating to people is a way of letting them know they’re not alone. But really, it just inserts ourselves into someone else's story. Personally, when a non-disabled person tries to relate to my disabled experience, it only shows me that they're not taking me seriously and they'd rather talk about themself than sit with my discomfort.

Instead try

Keeping it to yourself. Seriously, you don’t have to relate to me. You can just listen.

4. “You’re so strong”

Why it sucks

It’s true. I am strong. I’m strong because I’m constantly having to advocate for myself to get care, accommodations, and the things I need to make life manageable. My strength and resilience—in so many ways—are reminders of all of that energy and work.

Instead try

‍“Can I do X for you?” Help carry the weight for me. Offer to take on annoying or difficult tasks I shouldn’t need to do myself.

5. “I wouldn’t be able to do that”

Why it sucks

Because you would if you had to to survive. This very unhelpful statement implies I have other options—that I’m doing unpleasant treatments, exercises, what-have-you out of choice.

This comes up a lot for me when people talk about not being able to handle having a hole in their abdomen or not being able to give up mouth food—as if I chose those things.

Instead try

“That sounds really hard."

6. “You’re so brave/inspirational”

Why it sucks

It’s patronizing and infantilizing. How am I brave and inspirational for using mobility aids to access a world not built for me? How am I brave and inspirational for talking openly about my experience? I am just a person living my life. It shouldn't be surprising to you that I can do things.

Instead try

Reflecting on your own about why you find chronically ill and disabled people brave or inspirational, and what that says about how you view chronically ill and disabled people in general.

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